Hitting a tennis ball in someone else’s shoes
They hit the ball a total of four times before she nearly impaled him with the ball. “Oh my god!” she said with childish delight.
I don’t often get the chance to work with two professional people side-by-side with one issue dividing them, but I’ve had lots of experience with couples in a clinical setting dealing with just that. Even though these two sought my services and weren’t connected in any way other than professionally, they had an issue with which I was familiar. I kept that to myself.
He, a very powerful executive, had great faith in his colleague with whom he works closely, but found her to be too passive and deferential, he told me over the phone. He felt her greatest strength – her ability to creatively problem solve – was being stifled, and he needed her to bring that talent to solve the myriad of challenges that came up all the time. “It’s one of the big reasons she was hired,” he said.
When I talked to her, she said that “He doesn’t listen. He’s so focused on his own agenda, there’s little room for anything or anyone else. However, when he does pause, which he does just enough to keep me around, he is open to some different ideas. It just needs to happen more.” She revealed she was concerned about staying in this job because it was not only difficult for her to remain with her colleague, it was a challenge for a number of others who had to work with him. Morale was slipping.
Fortunately, I played a lot of tennis most of my life, and they were both intrigued by my desire to conduct a session on the court. Though both had some experience with the game, neither had properly learned how to hit the ball. After showing them some basic techniques, and building their confidence in their ability to engage with me on the court, I then moved them on opposing ends. Before they began to rally I asked them to do me a favor: “I want you to embody one another’s personality as you begin to rally.” Specifically, I told him to hit the ball based on the way he perceives her, and she was told to hit the ball as if she was channeling his aggressive closed-mindedness.
They discovered empathy in the span of about 12 seconds. On a tennis court. It was magical.
She crushed the ball at him. He tentatively pushed the ball back. They hit the ball a total of four times before she nearly impaled him with the ball. “Oh my god!” she said with childish delight. “Oh. My. God,” he said as if finally seeing the light.
They discovered empathy in the span of about 12 seconds. On a tennis court. During a coaching session. It was magical. When they asked how I suspected this might work for them, I then spilled the beans and told them they reminded me of so many of the couple’s with whom I worked as a clinician. They were a professional couple brought together by the same need: to obtain a deeper, more visceral understanding of empathy.
I checked in with them both recently. I’m told they’re living quite happily together. Professionally, of course.
And this is why I love what I do.